'Bout To Call It

I've been thinking I wanted to write a post on social media. On what it's doing to us as a culture. What is does to me. How I think I might be addicted to it at times.

Wait. Did I actually say that out loud??

But, as I've been wrestling through this issue, this issue of checking and re-checking Facebook, Instagram or Twitter...it hit me.

It's not really about social media.

It's about me. It's about my heart.

Far back as I can remember, I've longed for approval. Validation.

"Daddy do you like this?" I'd say holding up a picture.

In later years it was "Look at my report card!"

Coming down the stairs with a sheepish grin on my face because, dangit, I had a cute outfit on, my make-up was all in place and I just got my hair did.

Wasn't anyone going to tell me how pretty I was?

So continued the cycle, from 3 until...well about now.

Striving, striving. Please love me. Please love me. 

More striving. Tell me I'm beautiful. I'm smart. I'm talented. 

Worthy of your time.

And don't think I'm not aware of what my desperate state must have looked like between the ages of 14 and 17.

Oh, dear Lord....to those of you who knew me then. Sigh. I'm sorry.

I was not the person God wanted me to be. I did not live up to the higher standard He called me to.

Those that watched the Laura of said years must have been awfully confused.

Great Christian girl. Goes to church twice most weeks. Nice to everyone she knows. Wait. Is that Laura with another guy again?

Deep sigh. Yes, I know.

My longing for approval never steered far from the male species.

Sometimes they were awfully cute boys in high school (looking at you - several boys of the '02-'03 Jenison High School football team).

Sometimes they were just boys that were breathing.

But they gave me attention. 

They validated me.

So whoever could do this the best or longest, I stuck around for. Oh, just having the many guy friends of high school flash through my mind makes me almost sick to my stomach.

How some of them were clearly interested in more than being my friend, and yet because I liked the way they looked at me, their focus on me, I kept going to them. Talking with them. Never mind that my feelings were anything but mutual. Oh, wretched girl.

And then there were the relationships where I was head-over-heels. Once my freshman year of high school and the other my senior year.

Those relationships couldn't have been more polar opposite from each other. Their common thred?

Those guys were really good at making me feel special. Telling me I was beautiful, showing me they genuinely liked the person I was and that they enjoyed spending time with me.

In fact, I felt like my heart was ripped right out of my chest when freshman year boy called it quits and when I felt like I needed to call it quits with senior year boy.

Oh, to be affirmed.

Have someone really care for you, about you, and for you.

I remember at 19 being layed-up on the couch post-reconstructive knee surgery, having just broke it off with the guy I was convinced I was going to marry. It was hard to breathe. My heart was so heavy.

Was anyone ever going to love me? Was anyone going to value and appreciate me again? Would I ever find someone?

I get a little weepy for Laura at 19. She didn't know who she was.

She didn't know, truly know, that she was created for more than a guy to validate her.

She was created to be wooed by her Creator, her Savior....but she was looking for approval in all the wrong places.

Laura at 19 didn't fully believe Psalm 139 telling her she was fearfully and wonderfully made. Sure, she believed it for other people. But, her? Eeehh...not so much.

So, here it comes, full-circle.

No longer 19, and a whole decade has passed.

Shouldn't my identity in Christ be cemented? Shouldn't I be grounded more in Him?

I mean, for crying out loud! I'm a wife! A mom! Of three! ;)

But if you don't have a solid foundation from which to grow upon, you'll just keep building those bricks of sand.

That's been my realization with social media.

Scrolling IG again? Does that mom have it more together than I do? Why does her house look perfect and I still have Minnie toys laying on the floor?

Posting once more on Facebook? Look world! I'm a great mom! I take a whole 10 minutes out of my day to do a craft with my kids in between crying and screaming. Wow. Someone get me my award, stat.

What is it with us women and our constant need to compete with each other? To win each other's approval?

I'm 'bout to call it like they did in the "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days" card game scene.

Done. Over. It.

God made me who I am for a reason. And love me, like me, or hate me...He made me.

He prepared me in advance to do good works {Ephesians 2:10}

His banner over me is love {Song of Songs 2:4}

He created me in His image {Genesis 1:27}

He loved me enough to die in my place {John 3:16}

He gives me abundant, fulfilling life {John 10:10}

So I'm entering into a new phase of life.

I'm declaring what He speaks over me, and being done with my insecurities and need for approval.

The only One's approval that I need already demonstrated it by taking my place while I was still a sinner {Romans 5:8}.

I'm still gonna post on social media. But it'll be much more carefully through a lens of these lessons.

I'm hoping the recipes I post will be out of a heart as of recent - a helpful heart, wanting to pass along yumminess and helpfulness, not being an annoying show off.

I'm hoping the pictures I post will be testimonies to God's goodness and activities in my life, not another bragging display of a fake part of me.

Are you ready to lay down the approval game, the competition, and start living to be uniquely you?

I so hope you'll join me. Would LOVE to hear your thoughts if you are.

Through Unspeakable Joy,

Laura